Watchmen- Don’t Bother.

watchmen-review1
You would think that with 3 hours of screentime Watchmen would render some sense of sweeping narrative. Unfortunately while you do feel every minute go by, Watchmen is about as sweeping as a vacuum cleaner.
There was no mystery or tension. It was like seeing a collection of Old Masters out of their frames and hung by thumbtacks- they largely look the same but there is an obvious warping at the edges, and the original nuanced expressions have been pulled into rictus grins in every one. Director Zack Snyder has failed to grasp that the background characters are as important as the principals, and has excised them completely. The human scale is therefore missing, a vital ingredient of the original: this is the device that allows the tension to build throughout the book, pivotally in the newstand scenes between the two Bernies.
Dr. Manhattan serves as little more than exposition writ thirty feet tall. He has this amazing new power where he can stick his fingers in your head and make you remember shocking details from your past. Quick and convenient for helping Laurie have her Luke Skywalker moment, and in case she didn’t get it, and assuming the audience didn’t either, he tells her as well.
Snyder also eschews the mystery story completely in favour of ridiculous set pieces that allow Nite Owl and Silk Spectre to beat the shit out of people. In the book, Moore carefully dangles the reader morsels of the plot against the masks, and we get the sense of something huge brewing, something other than the dreadful mounting of Cold War tension that fuels the fear of the ordinary mortals. The only tension in the film is the clenching of Daniel’s buttocks as they work him up to a simultaneous fake orgasm with Laurie. Really, did we need to see such a close up of his arse? And obviously Nite Owl packed everything but the emergency prophyaltic.
The CGI is shockingly bad, and you’d wonder why they bothered with Bubastis at all. I’ll always forgive ropey special effects if there’s been an investment in story and character, but clearly here any such investment has been of the Bernie Maddock variety. Action sequences indulge in pointless slow motion, at one point almost becoming an action shampoo ad. All that was missing was an exploding bottle of Timotei.
And, they changed the ending. It now makes no sense. At all.
Save yourself the price of admission and buy the book instead. If you’ve got it already, send the money to Alan Moore’s local and ask them to put up a few pints for him behind the bar.

21 thoughts on “Watchmen- Don’t Bother.”

  1. I just love how some degraded people want EVERY movie to be the same, with SAME pacing, SAME action etc. ffs, Like EVERY movie should have SAME pacing ??

    oh btw, acting was great, yes. GREAT, all characters were delivered !

  2. Is this a joke review ? movie is perfect.
    Too much action for some of you ? you must be sick, insane people there was like 10 minutes of action from 3 hour long movie! did you even watch it ??

    Compare it to 300, Avengers, hundreds of REAL ACTION movies.

    and I still liked it, not for the action ! but for everything it had ! aswell as those small action bits.

    If I want action ONLY movies there is alot to pick ! ffs, watch Raid ! 90% action

  3. you’re stupid…
    you don’t understand real meaning of film…
    should make you understand…
    we’ll meet later…
    won’t keep you waiting….

    :-|-:

  4. YOU’RE FUCKING RETARDED!!!!!!

    THIS MOVIE WAS NOT ONLY AN ALMOST PERFECT ADAPTATION OF THE GRAPHIC NOVEL, BUT IT ALSO WAS A GREAT MOVIE IN ITSELF…EVEN WITHOUT READING THE GRAPHIC NOVEL!!!!!!!!!!!

    YOU’RE PROBABLY ONE OF THOSE STUPID ASSHOLES WHO TRY TO THINK DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE (WHO LOVED IT) SO THAT YOU STAND OUT…ITS BECAUSE YOU HAVE NO SELF-CONFIDENCE!!!!!!!!!

    YOU ALSO HAVE NOT READ THE ORIGINAL GRAPHIC NOVEL WHICH WAS AMAZING AND WAS ALSO RATED ONE OF THE TOP 20 NOVELS OF THE 21ST CENTURY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    AGAIN I SAY –> YOU ARE A FUCKING RETARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Frankie I’ve read the book countless times and it’s one of my favourite works of literature. I wasn’t looking for as you say a dick-flick but that’s unfortunately what Watchmen was.

  6. I disagree it’s my favorite movie. Maybe your mind can’t comprehend that it is a film about human nature and that it is savage at heart. The characters were very dynamic. The mystery was tied into an even bigger plot. Sorry it wasn’t an adrenaline-fueled dick-flick (opposite of a chick-flick, lots of violence, swear words, and sex) and there was complexity. Pick up a book once and a while. Oh and while we are on the topic of books, let me remind you the book is on the Time magazine’s 100 best novels, chew on that.

  7. FUCK YOU GUYS THIS MOVIE WAS AWESOME I BET YOU ARE A NO LIFER WHO WATCHES GOOD MOVIES AND GOS HOME TO WRITE BAD REVIEWS ABOUT IT SO THAT PEOPLE THINK YOUR THE SHIT BECAUSE YOU SAID SOMETHING EVERYONE ACTUALLY LIKES IS BAD, WHAT SOME SORT OF MOVIE REBEL? WE ALL KNOW YOUR ACTUALLY THAT GUY WHO’S LIFE SUCKS SO YOU HAVE TO TAKE IT OUT ON SOME MOVIE, I BET YOU WENT TO GO SEE IT BY YOURSELF.BITCH

  8. Hiya Frank, yeah I read your review and agreed with a lot of it too. Rorschach was about the only thing that worked, which means we’re left with a series of functioning vignettes mixed up with the rest of the tattered narrative. Maybe Snyder can be persuaded to release Watchmen: the Rorschach Cut featuring just his scenes.
    My main beef is something that should have been character driven was turned into an action movie with the standard boxes to tick: gory fight scene, check. Gratuitous titty shot, check. Explosions, check.
    It’s a film as cold as a blue mickey on Mars.

  9. I enjoyed it, despite obvious failings. I agree with pretty much everything you’ve said, (and laughed while agreeing which is always good) and yet… i enjoyed it.

    Maybe I’m just too much of a Watchmen fan not to enjoy it, and not enough of a fan to hate it 😛

  10. Well personally i enjoyed it. And i read the book….the scenes with the two bernies were all filmed, Snyder’s gonna put then all in with the Black Freighter cut.

  11. Im kinda glad someone has said its rubbish. at least then you know its a real opinion. too often i have seen movies that “everyone” said were brilliant but out not to be

  12. Kevin, you’ve been warned!
    Whoopsadaisy, leave it a while so the memory of the film fades. You’ll enjoy it all the more. And don’t just read it once, it’s so dense with references to itself it takes a few reads before you start teasing them all out.

  13. I hadn’t read the book when I went to see it & I thought it was as awful as you did, if not worse!!
    Graphic novels are not really my thing but if it could make me understand what exactly all the hype was about I might give it a go..still baffled as to how people thought it was so amazing and brilliant!

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